Born tired

Tonight is so quiet the silence echoes different voices

Without thinking I am reminded of the angry waves of the Atlantic Ocean trying to escape

Except they can't, the same way my thoughts can't escape my mind

I remember a time when my chest used to feel tight every night like water filled my lungs and crying was a sport

I remember when depression pronounced my name better than my own mother

I sat at edge of a rock while the waves crashed and threatened

Drowning in wine so much I wanted to make the drowning official

So fearfully stepping closer to the edge, a beautiful mess

My sadness was always like a coffee spilt on a canvas

It was aesthetic, beautiful even, I stopped feeling the pain and became it

From pain to numb to nothingness, how hard I tried to fade out of existence

who knew the devil was an artist

Without thinking, I remember a wave so big rising above me, staring back like a python before God stepped in

He said "not today my child, I've got plans for you"

So I ran, stumbling on my feet while the water tried to catch me

The very rocks that could kill me supported me

Because God said "not today."

Tonight is so quiet the silence echoes different voices

I remember when the ocean held me by the neck and pulled me away from my family

This time, sober as a judge and glad to live

I found myself surrounded by the sea

Suddenly I could no longer swim

The waves told me what to do and when to do it

What saved my life was a rock that came out of nowhere beneath the ocean

Where there was supposedly an open hole to swallow me whole

I found a rock that kept me in place, God said "not today my child."

Tonight is so quiet the silence echoes different voices

I remember a time I clutched my chest so tight I almost ripped it open

My heart so sore it felt like it could stop

but it never did... how disappointing

I banged my head against the wall as if it could switch off

That night, my options were sleeping pills or nausea pills

God was already ahead so he whispered right behind my fear

One by one, I cured a nausea I didnt have

15 pills could never fill the feeling of wanting to disappear

God said "not today."

Tonight is so quiet the silence echoes different voices