Flaw-fully-featured

I'll be carelessly throwing around lots of I's, Me's and Myself because this one's all about me. I came as naked as I could in hopes next time I'll be able show more of myself.

I've always thought that it's been easy for me to open myself up and let people see me but that's never been entirely true.

I'm an open book, I can be really dorky and clumsy. It's easy for me to be careless and impulsive. Sometimes during the times when I can barely love myself I find myself trying to impress the people around me in search for approval and the love I cannot give myself. I always try so hard to hide my social anxiety by being as social as can be in hopes it will go away but it only becomes worse. I struggle with gender dysphoria and I've found that when it hits me the most I tend to take pictures of the features I love most about myself to highlight my masculinity so the femininity has no chance to yell back at me. I'm easily belittled by cis men who look like how I want to, but never threatened.

A lot of the time I'm impulsive with the things that scare the fuck out of me. I hate being scared, it makes me feel powerless and small, therefore that fear sometimes drugs me into a high of Impulsivity. Like that one time I was so scared of someone I smashed their head against the mirror and beat them in bloody ( they're okay tho) or the time I was so scared to fall in love I volunteerily fell way beyond my heart's will.

I mostly embarras myself when I try the hardest not to and instead of hating that about myself I'm learning to love that. I'm learning to love a lot that I couldn't about myself instead of rushing to change it. I will change and I've been present to experience myself rapidly change and enter new dimensions of myself. I still have yet to change, and I'll keep changing. Until I'm able to fully welcome and love every ugly scar or trait. But, before I do that I want to learn how to be comfortable with my insecurities and fears. I want to be able to challenge myself a lot more than I do, I want to challenge myself psychologically more than anything.

I'm also proud of the person I am right now. I'm proud of the challenges I put myself in, whether it's necessary or not in that moment. I have learnt to open a huge space where I'll fill it with new experiences and knowledge, to fill it with mistakes and failures.

These past few weeks I've taken some time to get out of my comfort zone, to take a step out of the shell I always hide in and actually give myself room to grow. From the longest time I've been yearning to grow so much that I've been shoving myself into a corner. I'm growing out of my comfort zone and I love it. It's uncomfortable and painful, it sucks shit and tempts one to just crawl back into their shell but what keeps me going is that it's daring. I've never been so dared by life and knowledge that it's uncomfortable to the point where I think "Mmh, that wasn't so bad now was it?" or to the point where I said "Fuck that, let's do it again cause I liked the end result".

To my journey of learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.