I know what the sun tastes like...

It's always been around midnight where the obscurity of the dark not only surrounded me but invited itself into my chest. Washed with confusion I never knew about the hollowness until it was filled with the ocean water. Water that knew nothing but to prevent me from breathing and instead the waves crashed onto my cheeks, rolling down my face. I used to physically feel my chest getting clogged and full ending the night with me hyperventilating & digging my fingers into my skin. Nothing confused me as much as that at the time. I'd have a good day but when the sun became tired and the moon fell in love, it'd come along with an overwhelming sadness. Around this time last year I was tired, I'd given up, my bruises and cuts had become dry and my very being was just as empty as that whiskey bottle hidden between neatly folded clothes. Around this time last year, I was ready, I was ready for anything and everything and most probably because I couldn't bring myself to care about anything and everything.

That was until I tasted the sun. It was unexpected and quick, I thought it'd be just a beam of light but the sun itself consumed by a recipe of heat and gold melted onto my tongue. Do you want to know what it tastes like?

The sun tastes like everything I've ever needed and everything I've always wanted, it tastes like yesterday and tomorrow and it tastes like peace and chaos. But I let my appetite obscure the heat of the sun and I got burned.

I was desperate again, clawing myself every night so my head could go silent and my heart would start beating. It never happened but I clawed myself anyways. All I needed to know was if I was still alive, I needed some sort of confirmation to know cause I wanted to prevent myself from losing my mind over and over again. Am I gonna get through this? But at that point I didn't even want to get through anything. I just didn't want anything. I was sent to a God I never understood but all the more fell on my knees and asked. Guess I wasn't patient enough to break a little more so I looked to myself but found to be lost with no direction.

If only I had a chesire cat like Alice did.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where—” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

“—so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.

“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

So I walked til my feet bled and no tear could be shed.

I walked til the ocean ran dry and sat under black skies

"Die for all I care it's not like the world has been fair"

At least I know what the sun tastes like, that wasn't the same time

A/N : Before proceeding with the blog I'd advice for you to listen to the song below as it inspires my following words.

I need you to unsay everything you said to I can pull out every splinter in my heart. I need you to unbreak all the broken pieces of my soul so it can understand when my mind doesn't. Give me back the time you took away from me so I can go back to where I found hope where it wasn't. Make it your mission to pull me out of the unending hell you left me in. Talk the ashes back into my fire, I'd rather burn on my own. Only then is it up to me to unchain the reaction.

Everything would've been easier if you weren't the blood coursing through my veins. And everything would've been easier if I wasn't your own personal chain reaction. Whoever said it's never too late lied because there was no clock I could stop when I watched myself slip through my fingers and scatter across the floor like a 'good morning' mug. As much as a one-in-a-million chance is still a chance I wouldn't touch a hot stove hoping it won't burn me again. Imagine. Cabanga.

It was all very well to say “Drink me,” but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. “No, I’ll look first,” she said, “and see whether it’s marked ‘poison’ or not.”

Poor Alice, how I wish you and I weren't the same amount of stupid. At least you were smart enough to look if it were marked 'poison' or not. Alice didn't see a 'poison' mark so she drank it, Aaliyah didn't even check because the little bottle seemed good enough to drink so he skipped to drinking too much of its contents.

“I do wish I hadn’t drunk quite so much!”

“Curiouser and curiouser!” cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English).

The night I decided to sweep dirt under the mat was the night my eyes were as dry as they were during day light. “I wish I hadn’t cried so much!” said Alice, as she swam about, trying to find her way out. “I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears! That will be a queer thing, to be sure! However, everything is queer to-day.”

A/N : I might've held back so much of my heart in this post because I couldn't bring myself to be as raw and open as I desire but I do hope you enjoyed the mixture of a small poem, quotes from a book and one of my favourite songs. Thank you for reading & stay alert for a new post soon!